Wednesday, February 10, 2016

#thingsihavebeenthinkingabout during CNY 2016

I dunno why but I have not been feeling all that great during this CNY.

CNY Eve was so-so only. I didn't feel exceprionally excited or whatnot. It could be due to the fact that we were celebrating it in a new place and I couldn't find the reason to be excited, really.

CNY Day 1 was a blast. I've always looked forward to it as I get to spend it with family and the La-Sallians. Even though we visited less houses, I still felt great. We skipped my house this year as I don't know where to being them to. Current or new place? Nevermind.

CNY Day 2 wasn't so great this year. Reason being most of the Aunts gathered at Rawang this year making us the only family to go Malacca. And that took away a lot of the festivities. And after lunch, the kids (SF, SJ and Rayyan) started fighting over the kid's car which SF painstakingly took out from its hiding place. Lots of tears, shouts, yells ensured after. Then came the "eldest-must-share-theory" which made SF mad and Rayyan started to hit SF for his rights and stuff. Then the parents started saying that must share and let the younger ones to play. I totally relate to that and it really hit me at that point coz it was the same when I was younger. I was the eldest and I was expected to share and let the younger ones to play. I'm expected to take care of the younger ones and expected to be responsible to them. I'm totally siding SF at this point because I feel for him. But at the same time I was sooo upset by the whole situation. (I let the parents to handle it as I would have totally lost it if I interfere) Why must the eldest be the sacrificing one? Why can't the younger ones do the same? 为什么我们要让小的?Since the car was taken by SF, why can't he enjoy it to his heart's content?
Then it made me think further until I was scared. Scared to have children of my own. I don't know how to teach them anymore. I'm doubting myself. I used to think that I want to have children of my own. Now I'm not so sure anymore.

CNY Day 3 was great in the beginning until dinner time. You see, ever since WK married things had been slightly different. I had voiced out my concern before this to him and made my stance clear and this always affected me. Day 2 we had mamak food for breakfast and today's breakfast as well. When it was dinner time, guess what? Mamak food again. I'm just this close to explosion. That we had to give in and give in time after time. Even during for lunch on Day 2 I was already upset. Instead of eating the food we prepared, they got KFC instead. Luckily it was just us, if the other aunties are around I would have just 变脸.

I've never been this negative before and it is eating me up.

CNY is supposed to be joyous and fun but it hasn't been that and I'm angry that it is not. I tried to forget about it after a night's sleep but that's not the case at this point. Which is why there is such a long post on it. I needed somewhere to vent my frustrations and hopefully it will go away for a while.

Aih........................... -_________________-

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